How to Be Single

"And that was why I loved Georgia. And that's how this weekend I ended up spearheading an outing with my mismatched set of friends to make her feel like life was worth living. Because at the end of the day, it's night. And in New York, if it's night there's nightlife, and when there's life, as most optimists will be happy to tell you, there's always hope. And i guess that's a big part of how to be single. Hope. Friends. And making sure you get out of your damn apartment."

Cool quote, huh? I'm reading this new book, "How to be Single" by Liz Tuccillo (she was coauthor of "He's Just Not That Into You" a great book and a funny movie). And I am loving it. The premise of the book is easy...narrator has a friend who has just divorced her husband and so she takes her out on the town with her single friends to show her a good time. Somewhere between before-dinner cocktails at the steakhouse and emergency room visit at the end of the night she finds herself wondering how women all over the world do it. The big IT. Being single. Now I'm only a couple chapters in and the narrator (Julie) has made her first stop in France. She's revved up because she has just read a statistic that there are more single women in the United States than married ones...and there's always a quest to find "the one" and often you end up disappointed anyway. The french give her insights to love (and how to keep it), marriage (how to make it work), and life (you only have one, so live it), and this is only her first stop on her journey.

The coolest thing I find about this whole topic is not WHY are you single but HOW are you single? And clearly a TON of women are single because (gasp) they like it. Certainly the world we live in today is different than our parents, and much different than our grandparents. No longer is it common to see young ladies marrying right out of high school and while many of my friends have the ability (and desire) to be stay at home moms it is no longer the norm. The book had a cool preface, "As more and more women become economically independent, their need for personal freedom increases, and that often results in not marrying so quickly." I struggle with this fact. I can only speak for myself, and being in a relationship I guess I can't speak as a single lady, but I am not married...and I DO think part of that is because of my desire to want to figure out where I am going first..and know that I can do it on my own...and knowing that while some days I do wake up and say "WHY am I not married yet?!" there is the other side that does tell me that I am going to get to a place that I am happy with myself (financially and otherwise) and my other half will do the same...and so when we do get married all we will need to concentrate on being married(at least for that first 10 minutes until another road block jumps in our way). And whether this is a product of my mother's teaching, or society's change, or some little drive inside of me that wants something different in my life right now...I don't know. Maybe it's fear.

I question the differences in commitment between now and when my grandparents got married. Back then you got married and you didn't get divorced. Now days 1 out of 2 couples are going to get divorced. What is this? And is this enough to make you want to stay single? It is certainly a scary thought. And how do you know the person you want to marry when you're 22 is the person you'll want to be with when you 35 or 53 or 89 on the porch in the rocking chairs. And is it worth the risk to find out? And why is it okay for a man to be older with greying hair and he is a "great catch" and a woman is in the same place and it's "too bad for you, the good ones are all taken."

You know what I heard today? A co-worker (female) in my office told me that she thought having babies at 30 was too old. What?! Really? I only have 5 years left? I asked her why she thought this...and she told me that a young woman's body is ready to have babies and can bounce back quickly after giving birth...where as an older woman's body is not as easily ready to do that.

Don't get me wrong. I want to get married, and have babies, and have the house with the picket fence and the rockers on the porch when I'm 89 years old. But I have to believe that I would be okay without those things too. To me the interesting aspect of this whole rambling is how do we do it? When everywhere I turn someone is asking me, "When are you getting married" or "When do you think you'll have kids" or I hear someone ask my friend, "Why are you single? You're gorgeous!" How do you stay in the place you are, if you're comfortable being there, without needing an "excuse?" The other day I told someone in my office that if I go to law school it's possible I won't get married for another 3 years (at least) and she told me, "Oh, Annalisa that's silly. You can get married when you're in law school." as if I needed to have "hope". How frustrating. If a man said, "I don't know if I'll get married in the next 5 years." nobody would hold his hand and tell him not to worry, his time will come.

Now I'm kind of starting to sound like the poster child for not getting married. My boyfriend might just enjoy this blog entry (and use it against me I'm sure). And I'll be honest, I may have asked my boyfriend, "When are we going to get married" from time to time (ha), but I guess what I'm realizing from this book is that there are so many other factors to my life that I want right now. And to focus on marriage as that one thing I "need" to do right now...well that just isn't who I am at this point in my life. And to all my married friends don't think I'm dissing you...I think it's wonderful that you have found a person to love and you're in that place, and you're happy. To me, this discussion is more about realizing as a woman that we don't need to always be searching for a man for our life to truly begin. We should all be living it right now regardless. And even if you do have a man, my thought right now on keeping it work is never losing the part of yourself that knows that being a woman without a man rocks. (Cue BEST highlight from that night in college, or high school, or life when you're having the best time with your girlfriends) If you, right now, are choosing to be single (whether for career reasons, self-exploration reasons, or just because you're not settling for anyone less than the best) I applaud you. And if you're married, having babies, and living your life as you always dreamed it, I applaud you too.